The latest offering from FLC is called ‘Classic Fantastic’, it is a thirteen track exploration into little more than the usual ramblings of a band far past their day. So far it has been largely panned by the critics and its recent release has done little to excite the masses.

Whilst this is certainly far from a classic there is a new upbeat and positive feel to this ageing bands recent repertoire. So just what does this new direction say about Fun Lovin’ Criminals?

‘Survival’ retorts front-man Huey Morgan from the corner of the room. He sits with his hand resting lightly on his forehead, clad in a black suit with an open-collared white shirt. Every inch the signature look of the band. ‘Mental survival really, coming out of that big lawsuit we had, it just seemed like if we didn’t make a record they would have won. It’s a little cliché if a band breaks up after big legal dispute.’

The long five-year break between albums was no calculated move on the bands behalf but rather the result of a long legal wrangle with a former manager. The result of such drawn out proceedings fell in favour of Morgan’s men and the good times reign again, surely a defining factor in FLC’s new found positivity?

‘Fast had been writing tunes during the whole dispute but it was kind of over the last year and half that we put the lyrics to the songs and really tried to make them a little bit more uplifting‘ continues Huey. ‘It helped us get into the funk a little bit if you know what I mean!’

Morgan has every reason to be in high spirits. The hiatus from musical projects has led him to add further strings to his bow. Currently he presents his own radio show, will soon be hosting his own TV show and is almost about to complete a debut novel. With the recent retirement announcement of Jonathon Ross from the BBC it is little wonder Morgan has been tipped to fill his shoes. A small wry smile as the front man takes another sip of his drink says it all.

To accompany the album a huge string of tour dates have been announced across Europe. From Scotland to Amsterdam FLC will be plying their trade but where is the place they consider home whilst on the road?

‘The audience in Ireland is great, before they get to the gig they are already fucking wired and ready to go’ chimes in Frank enthusiastically. ‘Sometimes, you just know that when you walk out everything is going to be great – it’s really the crowd which makes it.’

Mark ‘Frank Benbini’ Reid is a surprising addition to a band associated with the mean streets of Brooklyn. The last member to join after a string of other drummers, Reid grew up in Leicester, but has since found his home amongst the tales of debauchery on the mean New York streets. M&B Music suggests that the members of FLC now find themselves entering their twilight years and that maybe gigs are becoming a little more suited to a relaxed, elder statesman’s pace. Frank looks towards the last remaining member of the group to speak, Fast, and gives him a little smile. Fast seems ready for this question and leans forward so as to emphasise his point.

‘We’re really pushing our live show more than ever before on this tour’ he explains calmly but with intimidation in his voice. ‘We have about seven different set-lists which we can choose from and loads of great surprises planned.’

Fast pauses, leans back and takes a sip of his drink. Slowly he takes a breath and looks M&B straight in the eyes.

‘The magic is still there.’

There is no denying the resounding success achieved by the latest fad television craze ‘Glee’. Chronicling the hardships of a group of surprisingly attractive, social-status misfits and their desire to perform. This has all the usual elements that ensure a hit: multiple loveable protagonists, spiteful yet hilarious antagonists and heaps of chiselled cheek bones, tights abs, and sculpted physiques, plus a couple of ugly ones to make us feel better. However it is the soundtrack that has made ‘Glee’ such an international phenomenon. With their unique brand of over-produced, auto-tuned harmony rich renditions of various contemporary classics the ‘Cast of Glee’ has stormed the charts both sides of the Atlantic. At the time of writing there are currently five singles in the UK Top 75, two of which sit in the top ten.

It seems many moons ago now that made-for-TV band the Monkees first made their debut on American screens, since then original programming has been an excellent way to make a quick dollar in the charts. Afforded the luxury of building a back story surrounding each member of a band allowing audiences to relate to new artists much faster than if musicians were to arrive through more usual means.

In a lot of ways this formula for success can be seen in the Cowell mastermind of X-Factor. From very early on certain artists have their sob-stories broadcast to the nation with a change in positivity towards the end of each segment often echoed in the backing music with a shift from minor to major keys.

The triumphs of ‘reality’ television have allowed for a lot of artist manipulation disguised as viewer democracy. Performers with little or no real talent other than the ability to execute karaoke are moulded over the course of several weeks for a public who vote on a nationwide popularity contest rather than anything truly based on vocal prowess.

The flipside of this argument is that those which choose to be drawn in by the instant celebrity facade of such programming claim that the charts are made by what people enjoy the most and therefore X-Factor is the perfect outlet to relay a multitude of choices to the public.

Is this democracy at work or the decline of individuality and virtuosity in the art of composing? Is there any master-craft or undeniable talent being employed here? In much the same way that no-one would claim a microwaveable dinner to be Michelin star food can any person truly believe that X-Factor singles are gleaming examples of good music?

As with X-Factor, stars whose sales may have taken a dip in recent years are queuing up and banging down the doors of producers to be featured in the next series of Glee. There is really little by way of surprise to see Madonna and J.Lo already linked with guest appearances, Mariah Carey is presumably also not too far behind. The appeal of such a program is easy to understand, with a week in week out story involving mild peril which invariably turns out well for the good guys finished off with an upbeat number – this is a recipe for success.

Despite the pockets of Hollywood’s money-makers ringing, the major winners from this entire event are surely once-forgotten, 80’s Hair metal group Journey. They have seen their one time minor hit transformed from cult favourite to international anthem of the drunk, lonely girl almost over night. The appeal hasn’t just ended there, with every clique from the cool kids to the rock misfits finding something to love in the decadence of the un-inventive, overly emotional nostalgia of a four-minute affirmation; leading the track to peak at number 2 for the cast version and a top ten finish for the original in the UK charts.

Granted Journey hasn’t just got Glee to thank, with the likes of Scrubs and Family Guy originally boosting the number albeit with sneering intent. The release of Journey’s greatest hits is almost laughable with even the TV advertisement struggling to play anything except for the infernal piano intro now so indelibly scorched into so many ears.

Glee has made such an impact on the music industry it surely won’t be long before a succession of spin-offs and copycats fill the airwaves. The original series is not without its highlights and is certainly very watchable, but with the extreme rise of revenue it is hard to imagine a small snippet of original programming won’t now have lost its way instead heading hell bent on taking over the charts.

‘Real’ music may just have been dealt a fatal blow and Television is the box it’s going to be buried in.

I flat-out refuse to watch ‘Nowhere Boy’ the new biographical film charting John Lennon’s early years. I haven’t heard any reviews claiming that it is poor or seen any evidence to suggest that it is overly fabricated. It is because I am a Music Snob.

I am one of those guys who scoff at other people’s tastes in music, if I discover a band when they are tiny and insignificant I adore them; if they become too successful I shun them out of principal. Although I have no personal connection with John Lennon other than liking his music, going to see ‘Nowhere Boy’ feels like I would betray him. That somewhere Lennon is looking down shaking his head in disappointment that I would want to see this film.

Music Snobs are everywhere; they are the cynical but quiet voices, the mocking and the sneering in small groups of similar minded people. These are the people who stand in flood water up to their noses and still insist that it will never be as bad as some other festival they went to. The people who just aren’t interested in music they didn’t discover first, unless told to them by someone they regard as slightly ‘cooler’. The people who refuse to believe anything regarded as ‘classic’ should ever be reinterpreted no matter how excellent the remake.

A perfect and somewhat horrendously embarrassing example is Scouting For Girls. It was around four years ago I was stood in a very wet field (but not as wet as other fields I’ve been in) enjoying three strange looking men singing about He-Man. I saw them again in a small bar in Derby, front-row, and sang my little heart out. Then something terrible happened. They became successful. Now my ears bleed and my face contorts every time I hear even a note of that extreme dribble they peddle as ‘music’.

I’m telling you this not because today I’m feeling particularly sycophantic and feel the world needs to know all about me but because we share a problem, whether you would like to admit or not. I will prove this theory using three topics of the moment and I guarantee you will be mildly outraged by at least one if not all of what I’m about to tell you.

Billy Corgan is not only dating but recording new material with Jessica Simpson. Yellow Submarine is being re-made with four random actors and no original Beatles’ material. Jimi Hendrix is ‘releasing’ a new album of previously un-heard recordings.

Now I know what you’re thinking, that perhaps the first two you agree with but find it hard to understand why you’d be anything but excited for the third. Ask yourself this: How has Hendrix material remained un-released for so long? One of the most respected and revered musicians to have ever lived would surely have sent at least the wallets of the benefactors from this venture ringing long before now. Whilst I look forward to the release it is with apprehension, and a stark understanding of how 2Pac has apparently ridden this market for some time.

It won’t take much more convincing on the Corgan issue I’m sure. But please remember this is a man who dated Courtney Love, he enjoys torturous blonde women.

Yellow Submarine is, by virtue of the Music Snob code of conduct, a downright travesty. Everyone knows you don’t mess with the Beatles. Although one source has rumoured Eddie Izzard as the Blue Meanie, which in my book is a win.

My point today is we no longer have to be ashamed. The snobs need to come out of hiding and make it loud and clear that we will no longer stand for mediocrity disguised as success. We will no longer stand idly by as our favourite acts reach a wider audience and get the admiration we originally thought they deserved (even you Florence and the Machine). And we will continue to piss-off Simon Cowell with Facebook revolutions until everyone thinks it’s cool, perform a complete U-turn and buy whatever crap X-Factor is shoving down our throats because by that time they are the little guy.

It’s ok to be appalled; it’s good to be fickle; and you should never stop looking at music through raised eyebrows.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a Music Snob and I’m proud of it.

Goulding

So far one thing is a given. Ellie Goulding. You may not have really heard much of her yet, never fear this doesn’t matter. It would seem all anyone has to do is drop her name to become instantly recognised as a person in the know about the future of British music. So you heard it here first (hopefully) Ellie Goulding is the space to watch. Twelve months ago it was Florence and the Machine and the elusive first album continued to be held off. It was certainly an interesting ploy by F+TM having already been tipped as the big thing in 2008 they managed to keep the crown for a whole extra year, this has definitely had certain beneficial payoffs. First the Mercury prize nomination, then the sell-out tour and now all you see is the backing music to every advert and BBC montage made in the last four months.
In 2010 a bill will be passed through government declaring ‘You Got the Love’ is to be the only music allowed for a TV montage of positive highlights and insurance/banking adverts. The news will disappoint the pockets of fans that still believe in using old Lilly Allen or even older Just Jack tracks for their non-limelight stealing yet jovial backing music.

Now then, Christopher Lee, know who he is? Played Saruman in the ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy. That was the one that looked confusingly like Gandalf but was in fact not. Well the 87-year-old is going to release a symphonic-metal album, based on a leader of the Holy Roman Empire. Honestly I’m not making this one up.
Lee, who claims to be directly descended from Charlemagne, the first (and in some people’s opinion the best) Emperor of the Empire, will perform in character with an orchestra and feature a host of guest vocalists. The release date is March 15 and, well, this is the part where I usually take the rip, but what do you say to that?

Lady Gaga also begins a new role during 2010 – as creative director for Polaroid. At this point the mind is starting to boggle. A spokesman claims she will be taking an active role in the company with a new line of products being released late in 2010. I wonder if this is the same spokesman who in response to Outkast’s 2003 smash, ‘Hey Ya’, claimed ‘shaking it like a Polaroid picture can alter or even distort the image’. No-one from the science community came forward to refute allegations that ice-cold is indeed colder than being cool.

Yoko Ono has revealed she will be publishing a book about John Lennon and the myths surrounding her involvement in the Beatles’ break-up. Expect nothing but impartial views here. . .

New Year’s Eve saw Colonel Gaddafi’s son, Hannibal, pay Beyonce the sum of $2 million to perform at his exclusive bash in the Caribbean. Now despite being a complete diplomatic tool and a parenting nightmare Gaddafi Junior may just have hit upon something here. This year forget the festival scene the place to be is as exclusive guest to some of the world’s hottest dictatorship parties. Fidel Castro presents Coldplay, Kim Jong-Il drinks Bacardi like it’s his birthday with G-Unit and certainly not to be missed is Mugabe’s hips failing to lie on stage with Shakira.

Sadly there will undoubtedly be losses to the world of music, but make sure you save up the money for the pay-per-view cage-death-match between Lilly Allen and Cheryl Cole. Other odds on deaths this year include 2/1 someone from the Sixties, 4/1 someone no-one had previously heard of but who’s record sales suddenly shoot up, 5/1 Courtney Love (because she has to go sometime), 7/1 someone who has fallen out of the limelight reigniting their record sales (possibly Alanis Morissette) , 20/1 Jedward, 50/1 the couple behind the Christmas number one Facebook swindle taken out by contract killer paid for by Simon Cowell, 100/1 James Blunt finally caught up by that sniper.

Other predictions include SuBo’s marriage to Piers Morgan, the Facebook campaign getting Daphne and Celeste to Christmas number one, the movie biopic of ‘Steps: Forging a Career on Other People’s Songs’ and of course many, many re-uniting acts.

Ladies and Gentlemen the crazy train is now embarking for 2010, all aboard for the one hell of a strange year. We’ll see you on the other side once Ellie Goulding has finished proving us all right.

The festive period is upon us again and with it all the good things we associate with this time of year. Personally I enjoy the food, the long lie-ins and of course the beer, however one thing can certainly be left out – Christmas Music. It is neither the joviality nor the prosperous nature that puts me off, I’ll happily sing along to Journey at the best of times. It is, however, the absolute absurdity of it all; it’s almost as if good lyric-manship goes out the window to be replaced by a chimp with a Santa’s hat.

Take for example the classic Band Aid project. Scores of the world’s most prominent musicians gather for one day to record a seminal project, yet not one of them saw any issue with the line ‘And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time’. Or any other time for that matter.

‘Oh what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen, Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night’. An incredible laugh, assuming your humour lies in watching an overweight pensioner being assaulted and the breakdown of an otherwise happy marriage. Will this kid be as chipper as he recalls the story time and time again during the ensuing bitter custody battle? No, I think not. “Daddy, will I be staying with Mummy for Christmas?”

Mud had this to say during their foray into festivity with Lonely Christmas:

‘I just break down as I look around and the only things I see are loneliness and emptiness and an unlit Christmas tree’. Good grief man, pull yourself together! If that’s such a problem get off your lazy arse and get some lights.

All this I haven’t even mentioned Wham!’s so called classic about an organ donor. (Think about it.)

I don’t mean to be callous or even pessimistic as I genuinely do love the Christmas period but I have been sent on this rant by one song in particular. Even worse than The Darkness’ effort of a couple years back is the new song from Fountain’s of Wayne, the group of Stacey’s Mom fame. Their new track Alien For Christmas takes utter ridiculousness to another level. It’s not funny, it’s not entertaining and it’s not even slightly clever. I implore you to now go seek it out and see if you can last till the end of the track without ripping off your ears and bellowing the phrase ‘bah humbug!’ to every passer by.

In a week when music was finally giving something to hope for in the undoubted success of the masses with RATM and the race for number one it makes you wonder why record companies even bother. It would seem that when it comes to Christmas the chimp with the Santa hat not only writes the songs but produces them too . . . Bah Humbug!

I have been on the phone to O2 for the best part of two weeks now. Maybe it is my own poor research skills, or maybe it’s just because I’m bitter but I have failed to turn up the results I was looking for.

A few weeks ago Paul McCartney announced his return to the live scene with a small European tour, including only one date on his home turf. Baffled as to why, the self-proclaimed, ‘world’s biggest music venue’ did not book a string of performances I happily applied for my ticket willing to part with one hundred of my whole English pounds. As I mentioned I’m bitter so I’m quite sure you have already figured out where I will not be spending the evening of the 22^nd of December.

 Naturally the conspiracist nestled somewhere in my psyche grouped the ageing Beatle in with those ‘money grabbing sell-outs’ citing his previous involvement with a worldwide coffee chain. Why McCartney felt that Starbucks’ own label would be a step forward for music is nothing short of confusing, but it more than proved that everyone has a price, evidence of which can be seen on certain adult websites. Or so I’m told.

 Quite perturbed I cried foul, and so here I sit talking away to a very nice, yet slightly defensive representative of the offending venue. I am enquiring as to the size of the ticket allocation made available to O2 customers 48 hours before the event.

 O2 have certainly launched themselves into the music venue business with concerted gusto. Having begun with the Wireless Festival, the two venues, Hyde Park and particularly Leeds, coupled new acts with big names in an altogether more personal atmosphere to other major summer events.

 Now controlling the empire that was the Carling Academy brand they enforce the iconic Brixton location and beam with pride over the new jewel-in-the-crown site in Birmingham, amongst other sites across the country. I myself had the good fortune of frequenting the new Brummie Academy only a week or so after its inauguration and can vouch that little has been spared by way of coupling a good venue with a hint of living room.

 The matter of fact is the O2 Arena really is just that special. There is no corporate obligation forced on an artist by the name hanging above the door just a sign-of-the-times, modernist theatre for which thousands of contended fans can bask in their harmonious weapon of choice.

 My contact at the arena, who shall be called Laura simply for the fact I forgot to ask her name, assures me that it is a minimal allocation offered to preferred customers, covering a range of seating prices. Annoyed at not being able to blame my tariff I suggest that this allocation is enough to stop ordinary folks from being able to access tickets, and that by performing at the old Millennium Dome artists actively support the organisation rather than the right to perform. Laura laughs at me. I hang up realising that on this occasion the boat simply sailed without me.

 So I apologise for anyone who was looking to read an in depth report into the Liverpudlian’s endeavours in frugality only to find a brief example of one companies forays into unfamiliar territory. One thing is for sure though, O2 are here, they are very much in charge and they aren’t going away for some time. It is certainly not a bad thing seeing so much funding going into promoting live music on a nationwide scale, even if for some it is an exclusive club with entry fee being a minimum twelve month contract. My service provider’s cheaper cinema tickets are certainly starting to look a little paltry by comparison.

 “O2, see what you can do.” Thanks for nothing Sean Bean.

Had Swine Flu yet? Supported Obama during the recent elections? Well my friend it would appear you’ve been had by the man. At least that is what Billy Corgan is currently suggesting. His theory is that Swine Flu has been created to scaremonger us (or rather the American) public into casting praise towards the Democratic camp.

Now before you go off wondering how you can ever listen to ‘Tonight, Tonight’ again without thinking about this outrageous insider plot involving the world’s most powerful man and a few thousand Mexican pigs be warned that Corgan’s real issue is with the propaganda.

“There is something mighty suspicious about declaring an emergency for something that has yet to show itself to be a grand pandemic”, writes Corgan, clearly unimpressed by what he must consider to be nothing more than a mediocre pandemic. “Our American president Obama has declared a national emergency about this virus, which he in his own words said was, at this point, a preventative measure. So, why an emergency if there isn’t one?”

Suffice to say Billy won’t be opting for the vaccination but seems outraged that the state of Massachusetts will soon have a mandatory vaccine policy enforced. “Soon you won’t have the choice to live or die as you wish!” Someone had probably better remind him that actually he does not have the right to live or die as he wishes, in fact once you start living the law pretty much states that you must continue doing so until the matter is taken out of your own hands. Besides the facts aren’t quite straight here as Massachusetts has no plans for a mandatory vaccine policy anytime in the future.

“This is not judgement; it is a personal decision based on research, intuition, conversations with my doctor and my ‘family’.” Why he keeps ‘family’ amongst inverted commas is anyone’s guess but you can make your own assumptions on the entire article here.

Corgan is yet to suffer from H1N1 and he is in no way suggesting that the virus isn’t real, but then again I am yet to suffer from it too and I am in no way suggesting the biggest swine related outrage since Miss Piggy married a frog.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not intending to make a mockery of Billy Corgan and I fully appreciate and accept that everyone is entitled to their own opinions no matter how crazy they may seem but sometimes you wonder if Corgan doesn’t like the taste of any medicine, including his own:

“Scaring the daylights out of you over a virus or an unseen enemy only weakens us. Calm, open debate, and logical thought drive strength to its maximum effectiveness.”

Open wide Mr. Corgan it is time for a dose of your own advice.

After all these years of legal threats (and in some cases promises) with the apparently continued decline of the music industry just where do we now stand? With Lilly Allen claiming she will cease to create music (you decide if this is a bad thing) due to the loss of revenue from internet downloads some musicians are beginning to voice opinions from the other side of the fence. Nelly Furtado recently expressed her non-dismal attitude towards P2P users going as far as to express happiness at the thought of just anyone listening to her music. Natasha Bedingfield has also jumped on the bandwagon explaining that as long as people get to hear her music then its job done, but then she’ll take what she can get these days.

We are all well aware of the Napster decline that really that got the legal to-and-fro ball rolling with what must surely be the most frequently committed crime on the planet. As time has gone on it seems to be the downloader that has come out on top. With 9 million file sharers the music industry reports a 20% loss of revenue since 1999, but a report a couple of years ago suggested the exact opposite. This wasn’t a fantasy tale created as a last ditch get-out-of-jail-free card created by the men behind the fated Pirate Bay website. This was Harvard Business School. But hey, what do they know.

Felix Oberholzer-Gee has clearly decided to make up for his ridiculous name by publishing findings backed-up by real life clever stuff to prove that actually the music industry has not lost a single penny and may even have gained a little income out of the P2P phenomenon. The theory goes that the majority of downloading is done by the younger generations whom good ol’Felix refers to as ‘money-poor but time-rich’. This means that the music industry has lost nothing as without the internet these users wouldn’t be able to afford the music anyway.  Surely this is a little off the mark, hasn’t pop music largely been squared at this demographic for the best part of forty years? This, apparently trivial fact to Ober, has not deterred him from pressing on. His other conclusions draw that actually older users will then download one or two tracks as a ‘sampler’ before deciding whether to buy the full product. Whilst this may be true in some cases it seems unlikely to have really captured the bigger picture, it has certainly captured the attention of the music industry though, as they slowly watch their entire efforts setback a little further and begin pulling out hair at will.

Canada seems to have found some leeway applying levies to digital media products such as CD-Rs atoning for the fact they may be used to create illegally downloaded CDs, with the proceeds funding musicians and songwriters. The tax was also applied to mp3 players but was soon found to be a breach of their own laws. You’d think they’d know.

Our own government has so far made mostly empty threats about removing the internet rights of those who continue to repeat offend. The law falls more heavily upon those that actually rip and upload music to the internet. A few years ago Gordon Brown almost fell afoul of the intricate copyright laws surrounding certain recordings after mentioning in an interview that he had the Beatles catalogue on his iPod. His predecessor could face a war crimes tribunal but this guy’s worst crime is wanting to listen to Ringo in the car. Hardly a cause for concern. The current administrations latest proposal is a ‘three strikes and you’re out’ strategy. Repeat downloader’s will be served with two notices, restricted bandwidth and eventually banned from the internet altogether. Unsurprisingly this has been met with opposition from the ISPs. As with most things the USA leads the way in suing people for, well just about everything really.

Of course aside from the legal ramifications of downloading there is the moral issue. Is downloading music affectively stealing? As we are reminded all too cheerfully at the start of some bargain bin DVDs we wouldn’t steal a car, so on and so on. The argument by those looking for ethical redemption advocate that music should be free, it is a natural process and that it is their right to listen to it. Surely apples are also a natural thing of the earth but we wouldn’t walk out of Tesco with a bagful without paying first. Essentially the greater problem in all of this is ease of use. Downloading the odd song here and there can be done without problem by even the most computer illiterate of people, whilst getting your head around torrents isn’t exactly rocket science for the technophobes. If you put candy in front of a baby will it not take it?

Whether you believe that music should be free or you hate the freeloaders, downloading is a very real problem for a lot of corporations and no amount of name-your-price Radiohead experiments ever make big enough ripples in the pond. In the end we don’t hurt the big companies enough to worry them massively, we don’t even majorly affect the superstars (including Lilly Allen) but it’s the little guys that feel the force. Fledgling musicians looking to make a couple of dollars for all the late night, backroom bar gigs, they played honing their skills are beginning to find increasingly that this just isn’t a sustainable career path anymore. The number of us downloading is holding firm and very rarely is there ever a twang of remorse, but at least now with the meteoric rise of Spotify and the added option of buying the tracks DRM-free we can begin to repent for the musical sins of the past. For the second time during Viva La Vida, Jonathon from Spotify interrupts to deliver me his special message, but it sounds more like a message of hope for the future as maybe, just maybe, music can find its feet again.

‘Hi this is Jonathon from Spotify, all is forgiven my child.’

Get out of my head Grohl!

It’s 6 am on a Saturday morning and I am uncharacteristically awake. I don’t intend to be and the source of my discomfort is internal. I have an Earworm. No, not some strange parasitic aftermath of a childish prank during an alcohol fuelled evening before, or the result of a jungle expedition in some Asian outpost, but a Foo Fighter sponsored pest.

There is little known about why or where Earworms come from, but my friends now, at the very least, you have a name to put to that annoying loop going round and round in your head. Also known as INMI (involuntary musical imagery) the cause, and hopefully cure, for one of the brains more annoying phenomena is now very gradually being investigated. It’s neither a musician nor a psychologist that leads the way though: it’s a Professor of Marketing. We may be doomed.

Prof. James Kellaris of the University of Cincinnati has been dubbed Dr. Earworm after his extensive studies into the subject have placed him firmly as the worlds leading expert. His definition of ‘catchy’ music has led him to conclude that anything can become an earworm, can affect anyone, and can last for any period of time. Hardly the kind of conclusions needed to be backed up by thorough research; I’m starting to wonder where the title ‘Dr.’ came from.

Some interesting results have surfaced though. For instance a distinct group of peoples surfaced as much more susceptible to suffering the dreaded curse. Women topped the list, as did musicians and individuals prone to worry, leaving little hope to nervous female troubadours, but plenty to the relaxed traffic warden. Out of all this one question arises: Does a person who has been deaf all their life suffer from Earworms?

Help is at hand though. Kind of. Whilst there is no sure-fire method for cure there are suggested methods. Distraction seems to be heading the list, although I’ve tried distracting myself with sleep and this seems to have failed dramatically, so much so I’ve now resorted to counting Drave Grohl-faced sheep. Another technique is listening to the entire offending piece of music, but scratching this ‘cognitive itch’ can just lead to angering the poor little creature further.

So it would seem that we are fated with this affliction for some time to come. Forever more we are blighted into humming through ‘Always Look on the Brightside of Life’ as we exit the funeral, or waking up next to our better-half whistling a section from that catchy little ditty heard at our other better half’s cocktail party the night before. As repetition seems to be the characteristic for this most felonious of offenders it would seem that the new Foo Fighter track is destined to keep me awake for some time. If only I could find a way to distract myself, anyone up for a chorus of ‘It’s a Small World’ near City General’s anxiety ward?