Moon & Back Music

As journalists and musical opinionists rush to release their predictions into the fold some issues fall by the way-side. Here we pick them up, letting you know about the Gaddafi influence, Gaga’s new job and an even stranger career change for Christopher Lee. Warning: Some predictions may be far-fetched.

Goulding

So far one thing is a given. Ellie Goulding. You may not have really heard much of her yet, never fear this doesn’t matter. It would seem all anyone has to do is drop her name to become instantly recognised as a person in the know about the future of British music. So you heard it here first (hopefully) Ellie Goulding is the space to watch. Twelve months ago it was Florence and the Machine and the elusive first album continued to be held off. It was certainly an interesting ploy by F+TM having already been tipped as the big thing in 2008 they managed to keep the crown for a whole extra year, this has definitely had certain beneficial payoffs. First the Mercury prize nomination, then the sell-out tour and now all you see is the backing music to every advert and BBC montage made in the last four months.
In 2010 a bill will be passed through government declaring ‘You Got the Love’ is to be the only music allowed for a TV montage of positive highlights and insurance/banking adverts. The news will disappoint the pockets of fans that still believe in using old Lilly Allen or even older Just Jack tracks for their non-limelight stealing yet jovial backing music.

Now then, Christopher Lee, know who he is? Played Saruman in the ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy. That was the one that looked confusingly like Gandalf but was in fact not. Well the 87-year-old is going to release a symphonic-metal album, based on a leader of the Holy Roman Empire. Honestly I’m not making this one up.
Lee, who claims to be directly descended from Charlemagne, the first (and in some people’s opinion the best) Emperor of the Empire, will perform in character with an orchestra and feature a host of guest vocalists. The release date is March 15 and, well, this is the part where I usually take the rip, but what do you say to that?

Lady Gaga also begins a new role during 2010 – as creative director for Polaroid. At this point the mind is starting to boggle. A spokesman claims she will be taking an active role in the company with a new line of products being released late in 2010. I wonder if this is the same spokesman who in response to Outkast’s 2003 smash, ‘Hey Ya’, claimed ‘shaking it like a Polaroid picture can alter or even distort the image’. No-one from the science community came forward to refute allegations that ice-cold is indeed colder than being cool.

Yoko Ono has revealed she will be publishing a book about John Lennon and the myths surrounding her involvement in the Beatles’ break-up. Expect nothing but impartial views here. . .

New Year’s Eve saw Colonel Gaddafi’s son, Hannibal, pay Beyonce the sum of $2 million to perform at his exclusive bash in the Caribbean. Now despite being a complete diplomatic tool and a parenting nightmare Gaddafi Junior may just have hit upon something here. This year forget the festival scene the place to be is as exclusive guest to some of the world’s hottest dictatorship parties. Fidel Castro presents Coldplay, Kim Jong-Il drinks Bacardi like it’s his birthday with G-Unit and certainly not to be missed is Mugabe’s hips failing to lie on stage with Shakira.

Sadly there will undoubtedly be losses to the world of music, but make sure you save up the money for the pay-per-view cage-death-match between Lilly Allen and Cheryl Cole. Other odds on deaths this year include 2/1 someone from the Sixties, 4/1 someone no-one had previously heard of but who’s record sales suddenly shoot up, 5/1 Courtney Love (because she has to go sometime), 7/1 someone who has fallen out of the limelight reigniting their record sales (possibly Alanis Morissette) , 20/1 Jedward, 50/1 the couple behind the Christmas number one Facebook swindle taken out by contract killer paid for by Simon Cowell, 100/1 James Blunt finally caught up by that sniper.

Other predictions include SuBo’s marriage to Piers Morgan, the Facebook campaign getting Daphne and Celeste to Christmas number one, the movie biopic of ‘Steps: Forging a Career on Other People’s Songs’ and of course many, many re-uniting acts.

Ladies and Gentlemen the crazy train is now embarking for 2010, all aboard for the one hell of a strange year. We’ll see you on the other side once Ellie Goulding has finished proving us all right.