Adultery, organ transplant, aliens, and snow in Africa. Must be Christmas.
The festive period is upon us again and with it all the good things we associate with this time of year. Personally I enjoy the food, the long lie-ins and of course the beer, however one thing can certainly be left out – Christmas Music. It is neither the joviality nor the prosperous nature that puts me off, I’ll happily sing along to Journey at the best of times. It is, however, the absolute absurdity of it all; it’s almost as if good lyric-manship goes out the window to be replaced by a chimp with a Santa’s hat.
Take for example the classic Band Aid project. Scores of the world’s most prominent musicians gather for one day to record a seminal project, yet not one of them saw any issue with the line ‘And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time’. Or any other time for that matter.
‘Oh what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen, Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night’. An incredible laugh, assuming your humour lies in watching an overweight pensioner being assaulted and the breakdown of an otherwise happy marriage. Will this kid be as chipper as he recalls the story time and time again during the ensuing bitter custody battle? No, I think not. “Daddy, will I be staying with Mummy for Christmas?”
Mud had this to say during their foray into festivity with Lonely Christmas:
‘I just break down as I look around and the only things I see are loneliness and emptiness and an unlit Christmas tree’. Good grief man, pull yourself together! If that’s such a problem get off your lazy arse and get some lights.
All this I haven’t even mentioned Wham!’s so called classic about an organ donor. (Think about it.)
I don’t mean to be callous or even pessimistic as I genuinely do love the Christmas period but I have been sent on this rant by one song in particular. Even worse than The Darkness’ effort of a couple years back is the new song from Fountain’s of Wayne, the group of Stacey’s Mom fame. Their new track Alien For Christmas takes utter ridiculousness to another level. It’s not funny, it’s not entertaining and it’s not even slightly clever. I implore you to now go seek it out and see if you can last till the end of the track without ripping off your ears and bellowing the phrase ‘bah humbug!’ to every passer by.
In a week when music was finally giving something to hope for in the undoubted success of the masses with RATM and the race for number one it makes you wonder why record companies even bother. It would seem that when it comes to Christmas the chimp with the Santa hat not only writes the songs but produces them too . . . Bah Humbug!
Funny funny stuff!